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The funnyman was a last-minute replacement for the troubled actress, who pulled out of a scheduled appearance on the late-night talk show following a DUI and drug-possession arrest earlier in the day.
And he made the most of his appearance--pretending to be the embattled Mean Girls star.
As Lohan, the comic joked, "I was up late last night," and when host Leno stated his guest didn't look herself, the Deuce Bigalow star added, "You do gain about 10 pounds in the camera and you guys got about 10 cameras here."
Commenting on Lohan's drunk-driving arrest, Schneider quipped, "I'm Irish and, for the Irish, St. Patty's Day (St. Patrick's Day) is, like, all summer--March 17th and woooooh, see you in September.
"I was so wasted I was in my car and I couldn't find my car. I was messed up. I was actually wearing a diaper."
Midway through the hilarious interview, Schneider took off his alcohol-monitoring ankle clamp to reveal it doubled as a whiskey flask.
Schneider also took the opportunity to boast about the size of his manhood, quipping, "Rob Schneider asked me out one time; such a silly little man. I did hear, though, that he has the biggest penis in Hollywood."
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